To understand the human mind, especially its limitations, all you have to do is go to gaiam.com. These folks would have you believe that spiritual development is just a matter of buying the right products...

“ Be an active participant in your unique journey through life. These non-traditional items offer a fresh perspective on who we are and how we can reach our true potential.”

Can we reach our true potential through consuming the right products? We have been told, by all the great Masters, that the biggest road-block to spiritual development is material possessions... Man cannot serve two masters... so, you have to choose whether you want a new Cadillac or to sing with the Angelic Choir in Heaven... whether you want to grovel before the Golden Calf or God. You have to grovel, that goes without saying, grovelling is probably the single most important requirement for Salvation... “Shut the fuck up, and get down on your knees, motherfucker!”

Meanwhile, you have to buy products that are “friendly to the Environment.” Biodegradable, organic, all-natural, and 100% cotton or wool. This is a key requirement for spiritual development, as are products made by native peoples, women, and the handicapped...

 The idea of flying incense or a string of beads halfway around the world, for your well-being, is delightfully perverse. Only a very kinky individual would consider this the path to anything other than self-gratification. “Hey, check out my moonstone ring, man, it was made in Tibet by a holy dude.” When I hear this stuff uttered by some jerk-off who is “concerned” about all the “key” issues, I just have to laugh.

Think about the absurdity of “Shopping your way to Nirvana.” Check out your mind!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to tell you that you have to renounce everything (money, sex, drugs and alcohol, possessions, etc.) to find the doorway to Paradise, or see God. Most of you will never see God, or find Paradise. You’ll be lucky if you find a little happiness or peace of mind. What is the rate of descent of a human life? One minute your popping zits and the next moment you’re dead. I shit you not. And, then what happens? Nobody really knows for sure...

But, trust me, its a fact: You are going to be dead before you even know it.

Can you really help the planet by buying an organic cotton tee? I guess if you believe you are helping the planet it will make you feel better about yourself... that can’t be a bad thing. Even better would be: a tee that’s made out of recycled garbage.

“Hey man, your tee shirt smells a little funny.”

I read an article about how austerity is becoming the “ultimate fashion statement,” but austerity doesn’t come cheap. To do it right is going to take lots of $$$. You’ll need one of those renovated lofts in the artsy section of the city, all new furniture, a new wardrobe, the latest high-tech gadgets, and an electric car or bicycle. Less is more - so you are going to have to pay a higher price for it!

Don’t forget the vegetarian diet... throw lots of $$$ at your food and it will become way more palatable... put lots of nuts, mushrooms, and cheese on it... and don’t forget the sauces. And, have a collection of exotic teas. The more you pay for them the cooler they are.

“Would you care for a cup of Chocolate Tibetan Chai?”
“Oh yeah, it’s the same stuff the ancient masters used to drink.”

Let words like, “Peruvian Cotton” roll off your tongue. Cotton blends are so ghetto. As are bright colors and chaotic patterns. For the enlightened, follow the fashion advice of Confucius: stay with conservative colors and styles. And, please, forget about that “bling” shit. Lao Tzu wouldn’t be caught dead with a big dollar-sign necklace, or a Mercedes Benz logo. That is just too tacky for words.

The modern-day monk has an electric bicycle, but calls a cab whenever he needs to.

My absolute favorite is the commuter train. This means of transportation allows you to get out there and rub shoulders with other people who are going to and from their daily activities. If they notice you it means you are dressed too well, or you are staring at them too hard. Ideally, they should feel sorry for you and be willing to give you a dollar if you asked them for it. If they ask you for money you should reflect of what it is you are doing wrong... you certainly aren’t “austere” enough.

Now you are on the path to austerity - just get out your debit card and rock out with your cock out! Pretty soon this will lead to well-being, and eventually to realizing your fullest potential. The whole trick is to realize that it takes lots of $$$ to live the simple life... poor people will find it beyond their reach. But to the “chosen few” anything is possible - especially consuming your way to enlightenment!

Meditate well on this lesson, Grasshopper.

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